When a couple decides to end after sending invitations, away place for banquet and make reservations for the honeymoon, he faces two tasks perhaps as horrifying as the fact terminate the relationship itself: I explain to the guests and try to recover their money.
Stacey Becker, a New York lawyer for 39 years, had a courtship of two years and had lived with her boyfriend for three months when he proposed marriage. Several months before the wedding date, which would be in August 2007, discussed about their travel plans for Thanksgiving.
He wanted her to accompany him to California to visit her parents, but she had surgery and could not travel.
Although his parents had already planned to travel to New York to see them, he said he missed California. Then, she says, her boyfriend said, "Well, maybe I'm not ready to get married."
"The adrenaline ran through my body," says Becker, who wrote a book titled Knot the One: Why Getting Dumped Before My Wedding Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. (Why an abandonment before the wedding was the best thing that ever happened to me).
"Up until then had not shown that interested him not to marry," she says. He mentions that he immediately recanted and was justified by saying he was having a bad day.
However, the following month he went to a business trip and when he returned said he still felt confused. Friends and family advised him it break the relationship, but the couple decided to continue and only postpone the wedding.
For some time these unexpected changes to the bells that announce a wedding have been material for Hollywood movies: the bride who escapes in "The Graduate" (The Graduate) or groom who repents right at the moment in "The Heartbreak Kid" (The heartbreaker). Who canceled in the past had doubts about their partners, but the millennials today focus on the symbolism of marriage.
"Many of my patients begin to address the transition to adulthood when they commit," says Christina Curtis, a New York psychotherapist; one of the people who founded this year an office called Brooklyn Premarital premarital counseling.
"A marriage in sight causes problems with my personal identity, that dreams that you had to re-examine itself and ideas about the kind of person you are," says Curtis. "Distill your life. And as the millennials feel that marriage is an option, they are actually questioning whether it is the right choice ".
A study in 2013 by The Wedding Report found that 13 percent of the commitments (approximately 25,000) do not end in marriage. Still, although many people know someone who has ended the relationship before the wedding, they do not believe that can happen to them. When it happens, it is often too late to recover the money.
When Becker canceled, his parents called most guests. "I told my closest friends and they spread the word."
His father recovered deposit Hilton Westchester in Rye Brook, New York. People who would record the video and would take pictures also returned the deposit. The exprometido Becker recovered as the honeymoon trip to Hawaii (less a charge for the cancellation) because I had booked with frequent flyer kilometers.
They canceled their tables gifts at Crate & Barrel and Macy's, and returned the gifts received. She sent checks to those who had given money on your engagement party (although no one claimed).
Not all providers cooperated: his mother failed to get him to return the deposit in Kleinfeld Bridal dress. Months later, when the dress arrived and the store called to schedule a test, Becker again had to explain that there was going to marry. When the store where you bought the bridesmaids dresses also refused to give the deposit, Becker was the one who gave them the refund.
Although contracts had studied in law school, Becker had signed a very bad with the musicians. It included a clause of early maturity, which meant that it should be settled when the contract is broken. She begged the director of the group. "He said, 'I hope this never happens to my daughter,' and then said he would make an exception." Only lost the deposit.
The mark of 90 days is a key moment: when many places for receptions and wedding planners ask 50 percent of your payment. One organizer of San Diego, Courtney Tibbets, a couple had canceled 91 days before the wedding. "Clearly had consulted his contract and calculated that they could not wait any longer," he said.
Eve Sturges, 36, therapist and writer in Los Angeles, canceled her wedding eight weeks before the date. She and her fiance were to be married in the first birthday of his daughter in Petaluma, California, before 150 guests. However, they began to discuss whether they would have more children: yes she wanted but he did not. When he suggested postponing the wedding, she was relieved.
He gave his parents a list of all suppliers and guests. "You need family or social support when you're dealing with such strong emotions," he said. Photographer and florist allowed to move their deposits for points. "We sent flowers to the people for a year with our non-refundable deposit of $ 500 on flowers," he said. They used the points photographer in family photos.
To warn the guests, his mother handwritten cards that read "Wedding Eve and Jim postponed indefinitely. Thank you for your love and support. " A Sturges liked writing. "A known also canceled their wedding, and sent cards saying: The Wedding 'will not take place'. That seemed very strong. "
They finally decided to finish. Sturges gave her dress. He used the veil and the remaining ribbon at birthday party invitations. His parents kept the family wine and finished it over several years.
Although cancel a wedding has always been socially embarrassing, often present weddings are a public issue in the extreme, from the engagement to the honeymoon. Couples announce their engagement on social networks and chronicle book the place for the party, the contract with the musical group and the hotel they chose on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, Snapchat and its own website wedding. Voyeurism makes guests feel entitled to know the story behind the cancellation.
Tina Weber, 28, a video producer and resident of Union City, New Jersey, announced their engagement in 2009 in Facebook, soon after this network offered the option to record important events. After decided to cancel, his mother sent cards to the guests, but Weber did not have many answers until the day he changed his relationship status on Facebook to "engaged" to "single". "Then I got many likes, comments and messages. Some guests he wanted to know why, "he said.
But an explosive ad can also lead to interesting conversations. The head of Sturges then told him that many years before her marriage she had canceled two days after the wedding. Weber received an email from a friend from high school who had heard of the broken engagement on Facebook: "He told me he was going through the same situation and sought support and advice," Weber said.
"I wanted to know how I had done it," he added.
While family and friends can receive the news with surprise, wedding planners usually take cancellations calmly. Tibbets, the wedding planner, said: "When we are alone, girlfriends tell me, 'I'm freaking much. Will only wedding jitters? '. Or they get to mourn. "
A Tibbets you have canceled nine weddings in eight years. Couples rarely share the reason, although two girlfriends talked about infidelity. The only time Tibbets has made an exception to its policy of refund (she requests a non-refundable deposit of between 500 and 3000 dollars to set aside a date) it was when they called up to military boyfriend.
Although insurance wedding can cover unforeseen events as a call-up, bad weather or closure of the reception venue, only Wedsure, based in Toluca Lake, California, offers a "change of mind" as an additional option their insurance cancellation or postponement. The coverage is very limited: the wedding must be canceled 365 days in advance at least and can only claim a 'financier of the party "as a parent (but not the bride or groom).
Wedsure owner, Rob Nuccio, said the coverage is not comprehensive due to past abuse "or, in other words, fraud."
"When we started this clause in 2007 we were offering up to 120 days before the wedding, and we received complaints from the mother of the bride who had bought insurance because I knew there was a problem."
In the following years, Wedsure increased the minimum to 180, then 270 and finally to 365 days. "A woman canceled because her fiance had an affair with her maid of honor," Nuccio said. "The insurance did not cover that. If the hotel had caught fire, it would have been different. "
When a wedding is canceled close to the date that has been paid in full (for many, the figure is between 20,000 and $ 30,000, or even more), what will be done to families? There is a website, Canceled Weddings.com, which allows registered users to buy or sell with discounts weddings or honeymoons. Others opt for charity. Last year, the parents of a planted Sacramento girlfriend decided to make a free party for street people. The bride did not attend. This month, The New Yorker Yiru Post reported that Sun offered a feast to low-income children in which it was supposed to be her wedding day in a luxurious place for parties in Upper East Side. The wedding was canceled after she had refused to sign a prenup and could not recover the deposit of $ 8000.
Once that has happened, for some there is concern that a canceled wedding is a sign of a phobia to engage in future relationships.
A Becker, who finally broke with her fiance, a friend from summer camp had invited to their wedding on the same date on which it allegedly married. I did not want to go because that day became very sentimental, but a friend who had recently been through a breakup convinced they were together. Now is your husband and the father of her two year old son.
Carmelich met Mike Weber, now her husband, in a party that was a few weeks after their wedding canceled. After going slowly in the relationship, they committed. He entered Macys.com to register your gift table and received the message: "Congratulations, Tina and Johnny!".
He wrote the name Carmelich, changed the date and began to choose new gifts.
At the wedding, which took place in April 2015, she wore the dress had not set and could not return to Kleinfeld. He still looked good. When he asked Carmelich if he cared, he replied: "What does it matter? Not even what you had taken from his box. "
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